Article: Today's Black Single Mother

Originally published January 11, 2008 by Associated Content http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/528151/todays_black_single_mother_successful.html

Today's Black Single Mother: Successful Examples of Single Parenting

Jonathan is almost two-years-old and he already has his own jungle gym. He can climb on her back and straddle the bridge formed when her feet are propped up on the large ottoman in his family room. And he can take pretend naps on her chest while wrapped in one of his favorite blankets. Jonathan’s living toy is his mother, Michelle, 41, who is raising the active toddler alone.
As Jonathan attempts to wrestle his mother’s attention away from her guest, Michelle, an administrative assistant at a Midtown law firm, recounts a milestone her son’s father was not present for. “He missed Jonathan’s birthday last year, because he had to work. And I was like, that’s not acceptable.”

Jonathan climbs over a sofa into a play pen in the house that his mother owns. Michelle’s dedication to her son’s well-being is expressed in her watchful eyes. “Jonathan is not going to get the short end of the stick.”


Stop Blaming Moms

Attacks from inside and outside of the black community have been hurdled at black single mothers for decades. With 40 percent of black children living in homes headed by single mothers according to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, this demographic is a big target. Blamed for devaluing fathers and over-nurturing their children, single mothers have also been held accountable for the loss of black boys to crime, drugs, and violence.

In 2000, an article in the Journal of Family Psychology noted that “recent studies of African American populations indicated that children from two-parent homes do better than children from single-parent homes on a variety of social factors.”

No one disputes the positive affect a two-parent home has on a child’s sense of well-being and self-esteem. However, being the product of a single parent home does not doom one to a miserable life.

Other research sited in the Journal of Family Psychology article suggests paternal involvement, especially for boys, has the biggest impact on the success of a child living in a one-parent home.

A consistently involved father, whether he lives with the child or not, makes a difference. But with many African American fathers missing in action, getting men involved with parenting is tough.


In Support of Fatherhood

“People used to say, ‘Oh, I think you and Shawn are going to get back together.’ Not knowing the amount of resentment I have.” Michelle’s six year relationship with her son’s father ended due to conflicting desires. Michelle wanted marriage and children. Shawn, the divorced father of two, was not interested in settling down again. Not even after Michelle became pregnant.

While Shawn did visit Jonathan during his first year, the sporadic contact proved to be a challenge, often leaving the baby in tears. Their relationship has improved over the last twelve months, however, because Michelle has encouraged Shawn’s participation in parenting.

In a press release issued in 1995, Marc Zimmerman, associate professor in the School of Public Health at the University of Michigan stated that single mothers work harder to compensate for the absent parent. Such effort, paired with an available father, evens the playing field for boys being raised by moms.

Zimmerman also commented on the results of a study on African American teenage boys from single parent homes: “…contrary to the stereotype, adolescents living with single mothers were no more likely to use alcohol and drugs, engage in delinquency, or drop out of school than those in other household constellations.”


Single Motherhood vs. Married Motherhood

Robert B. Hill, a sociologist who has written several articles on the welfare of the black family has offered sentiments similar to Zimmerman’s. In his 1993 report, “Supporting Black Families,” Hill points out that “many one-parent families are more intact or cohesive than many two-parent families.” This assertion is based on child abuse, domestic violence, and runaway statistics that show two-parent homes at risk.

Michelle tells stories of women she knows, long-term friends and family members who have endured their husband’s appalling behavior. These women live with multiple affairs, babies born to mistresses, physical and emotional abuse and subscribe to the philosophy that “a piece of a man is better than no man” to keep their homes intact.

“As much as I think that being a single parent of a child is hard and that they do miss out on a two-parent household, I would rather have Jonathan raised in a happy [home] with a healthy mother.”

Michelle concedes that others may think she is perpetuating the black single mother stereotype as she watches her son cram potato chips into his tiny mouth. But she believes being a solo parent is better than being mistreated by a man and allowing her son to witness that. “There are going to be consequences to all these single family homes, but… which one is worse?”


Self-Worth, Paternal Respect, and Partnerships

“In a single mother headed household, the mom is the leader and must be seen as strong so that boys learn to respect and treat women properly. So, moms must first show [their] boys how to treat women by how they allow men to treat them,” motivational speaker and parent educator Kelly Williams advises.

Williams, a black single mother herself, specializes in educating mothers on raising sons. She is the author of Single Mama Dos and Don’ts and Single Mamahood: Advice and Wisdom for the African American Single Mother. Her website, http://www.singlemamahood.com/, offers parenting tips and encourages moms to not only respect themselves, but the father’s of their children as well.

Williams also insists that abstaining from speaking negatively about a child’s father in his presence is one of the duties of a supportive, self-respecting mother.

Karen, a senior secretary at a major metro-Atlanta hospital, has been a supportive single mom for eight years. Presently, the tall curly-haired thirty-six-year-old is sinking into the pit of the pre-pubescent angst of her son, Nicholas.

While Karen says her son’s attitude is becoming “atrocious,” she maintains control by communicating with her ex-husband, who lives out of state. She makes a point of sharing information about Nicholas’ school work, extra-curricular activities, and misbehavior. And she is open to her ex-husband’s assistance.

“I am not too proud to ask for help when it comes to my child.”


Successful Single Motherhood

Karen and Michelle represent a portion of black single mothers who are rarely considered: Mature women devoted to providing healthy lives for their children. Even though their relationships collapsed, both women have looked beyond their own pain and disappointment to focus on building solid parenting partnerships with the fathers of their children. This is one strategy for successful solo parenting.

Maintaining self-respect is also key. When a mother values herself, she can avoid the clash of maternal low self-esteem and paternal selfishness. With the energy reserve, she can facilitate a highly functioning co-parenting relationship that provides her child with balance comparable to that of a stable two-parent home.

Her success will be evident in her child.

Jonathan falls off of the ottoman then stands. He quietly stares at the two adults awaiting his reaction. The toddler’s brown eyes twinkle with amusement and his full mouth twists into a mischievous smirk. Laughter fills the air as the boy giggles; basking in victory as he claims the full attention of his audience.

His beaming face is that of a happy child who will grow up loving and respecting his single mother and the alliance she is forming with his father.